But one day.
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- I’m hoping in for a quick shower…(I announce to no-one)
I’m cold. The rain got under my skin and my hair is dripping green water everywhere.
I see the pristine beddings. I feel bad for the cleaning lady.
She’s going to have to figure out a way to clean green patches of dried hair dye in the morning.
Then I steal a glance over to the sight. It’s not so bad. Exactly like I remembered — a radiant glow. Dangerous, if one’s not appropriately guarded.
The air, growing thick and heavy.
The non-descript smell of the hotel room, the rain outside, isolating people on the inside.
Shivers, up to my spine. Claustrophobia, hello & welcome.
I hide into the shower. Taking my time. Hoping to kill as much of this night here, in a safe enough space, where I know the sight won’t follow.
The water is boiling hot but still not hot enough.
I imagine the fire of Hell raining down on me and it still wouldn’t be enough to chase away the cold from my bones. Perhaps I’m not just cold. Maybe I’m frozen forever.
Steamy air, down I look, a creek of the same green dye leaking, and my hair clogging the drain.
The clock goes tick, the clock goes tock.
There’s not gonna be much hot water left, I think, and my damn politeness strikes in.
I would’ve hated to wait. Wet from the rain, hungry & tired, waiting for someone to take a damn shower. The premise for a homicide.
I was raised better than this, I sigh, cursing under my breath, leaving the haven, getting ready for the long hours to pass into night.
- All yours,
I chipper to the sight, all sunshine & rainbows, pretending I haven’t been dreading this night ever since I’ve heard about it.
The sight loves long showers as much as I do.
My heart is drumming faster and heavier and it goes louder by the second. The air stuck in my lungs. Anxiety boils inside the gut.
When I hear the water stop, my breath stops as well. Dead in my tracks, I close my eyes and try & prepare myself.
Whatever is going to happen, it’s going to hurt like a motherfucker.
You see, here’s the problem.
When you only think about yourself, when you’re so selfish, so self-obsessed, when you only value yourself, you’re ripping apart from the world.
When you see only what others can give you, and you ignore everything else, you push people away.
You can’t see the big picture.
You only cut and zoom in on the specifics you think matter.
And you don’t get to see the world for what it is — a beautiful, intricate maze, alive with wonder and fury.
Perhaps you do it as a defense mechanism, perhaps you do it unwillingly, perhaps you really don’t think about these things. But you do it- nonetheless.
You only care about yourself, the life you want to live, the money you want to make. And that’s awesome, to a point.
But when you drag people with you and you use them, and you drain them and you don’t see them…you will lose them.
Some go faster, some stay for the ride longer. But they leave. Broken and shattered, they leave. Eventually.
Yes, I know.
Everyone is replaceable. We’re born alone, we die alone. But one day, you won’t want to be alone anymore.
And so help you God.
