Conversations.

  • I’m just hoping in for a quick shower…(I say)

I’m so cold, the rain got under my skin and my hair is dropping green water everywhere.

I giggle seeing the pristine beddings — normally, I would think about all the sweat that pillowcase is going to absorb, but now I just feel bad for the cleaning lady.

She’s going to have to figure out a way to clean green patches of dried dye away from the sheet.

Then I steal a glance over to the sight. It’s not so bad. Just like I remember, a radiant glow. Dangerous, if one’s not properly guarded.

The air is growing heavy and thick. The non-descript smell of the hotel room, the rain outside, isolating people on the inside. Shivers, up to my spine. Claustrophobia, hello & welcome.

I hop into the shower taking my time. Hoping to kill as much of this night here, in a safe enough space, where I know the sight won’t follow.

The water is boiling hot but still not hot enough. I imagine the fire of Hell raining down on me and it still wouldn’t be enough to chase away the cold from my bones. Maybe I’m not just cold. Maybe I’m frozen forever.

Steamy air, down I look, a creek of the same green dye leaking, and my hair clogging the drain. I really should get on those pills, I think.

Not today. Maybe when I get back.

The clock goes tick, the clock goes tock. I already washed myself twice. Blow-dried my hair. Braided my hair, took out the braids, braided it again, changed my mind for the fourth time.

There’s not gonna be much hot water left, I think, and my damn politeness strikes in. I would’ve hated to wait. Wet from the rain, hungry & tired, waiting for someone to take a damn shower. The premise for a homicide.

I was raised better than this, I sigh, leaving the haven, getting ready for the long hours to pass.

  • All yours,

I chipper to the sight, all sunshine & rainbows, pretending I haven’t been dreading these hours ever since I heard about the assignment.

The sight likes long showers just as much as I do. My heart is drumming faster and heavier and it goes louder by the second. When I hear the water stop, my breath stops as well. Dead in my tracks, I close my eyes and try & prepare myself.

Whatever is going to happen, is going to hurt like a motherfucker.

You see, here’s the problem.

When you only think about yourself, when you’re selfish and self-obsessed and you only value two or three things in life, you rip yourself apart from the world.

When you see only what you value in others and you ignore everything else, you push them away. You don’t want to see the big picture. You just cut and zoom on the specifics you think matter. And you don’t get to see the world for what it is — a beautiful, intricate maze, alive with wonder and fury.

Perhaps you do it as a defense mechanism, perhaps you do it unwillingly, perhaps you really don’t think about these things. But you do it- nonetheless.

You only care about yourself, the life you want to live, the money you want to make. And that’s awesome, to a point.

But when you drag people with you and you use them, and you drain them and you don’t see them…you will lose them.

Some go faster, some stay for the ride longer. But they leave. Broken and shattered, they leave. Eventually.

Yes, I know.

Everyone is replaceable. We’re born alone, we die alone. But one day, you won’t want to be alone anymore.

And so help you God.

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the.wanna___

the.wanna___

Trying to write myself into existence