The Heartbreak — Modern Love Letters
They say it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. But we never believed that, did we?
Normally, this is the part where it would get ugly and cliché.
The part with the name-calling, the door slamming, the screaming matches, the crying and yelling and the fury. The part where love turns into hate and hate turns into oblivion.
Of course it wasn’t the case with us. Nothing is ever the case with us — that’s how great we were together.
Don’t get me wrong.
It did get ugly, it did get intense; but there was still beauty in the loss.
It did hurt like a motherfucker, as if someone played darts with my body; but this immense pain also filled my heart with joy.
It’s caused by an experience so authentic, a love story so raw, that I can’t help but be grateful for feeling all these emotions.
So intense, so powerful, so once-in-a-lifetime.
I am mourning a love that feels out of this world. The one that stops you dead in the tracks and tangles your memories.
The type of love that constantly burns and gives nothing but highs.
Which is precisely why the heartbreak is easier — I’m honoring it, not just wallowing in it.
If you ask a million people, they would all take a broken leg, over a broken heart. But the way in which our brain perceives both pains is the same — same hormones are released, same defense mechanisms are deployed.
So why is the choice so easy?
Unlike physical pain, emotional pain is hidden and can take many forms.
It’s not like you broke an arm, or a leg, you can’t just put your heart in a cast and wait. Knowing for sure that everything is going to be OK, give it six-weeks time.
Emotional pain is sleazy, it crawls inside the soul and it feeds from everything that you are. It’s not even your heart that hurts, she’s just an organ.
It’s your whole body that aches, it’s the air missing from your lungs, it’s the earth constantly running from under your feet and your sky being constantly darkened by an ominous cloud.
You never know when it’s going away, you never know if it’s going away.
So…you, me, and the heartbreak.
The threesome of a lifetime.
It came after two years of us and it manifested in exactly three ways.
- The Heartbreak of you not being here (nor me there).
This one was a little bitch. It also made me the most angry. And powerless.
To the point where I felt like I could conjure you out of sheer will, quench the thirst then break your fucking arms, so they’ll stay wrapped around me forever (yes, I went a little crazy on this one — a little bitch, told you).
It was the heartbreak of every one of your gigs which I missed.
The ones where I wasn’t in the front row, singing your lyrics and telling you how proud I was of you for following your dreams no matter what. And managing to look like a god while at it.
It was the heartbreak of me having to translate hundreds of pages of books I’ve read and songs I’ve heard, before being able to share them with you.
It was the heartbreak of both of us constantly missing out on all the random, weird and exciting stuff that we were experiencing — separately, each in our own little lives.
This heartbreak was a bit hard to recognize, because at that point it felt like longing, craving for each other and just pure lust.
2. The Heartbreak of failure
It’s not about me failing, it’s about the thing that I failed: us.
I still can’t process and forgive myself for hurting you the way I did.
I still can’t process and forgive myself for not saying I love you sooner, more often, each fucking day.
For not letting on how much I respected you as a human being and how much I valued everything you stood for.
Somehow I managed to put on my dirty boots and crush you into a million pieces. All of you.
All the strength, all the beauty, all of that everything that is you. Your heart. And your trust. I just took and took and took.
I want to think there were mitigating circumstances.
That my life had taken a hectic course and that I had to deal with stuff step by step. I want to think a million things, but we both know there’s only one truth.
The funny part? All those years I was scared shitless that you would be the one to end it — not me.
Relax, it’s not easy for me either.
Since I’ve left us, I’ve been repeatedly shattered, broken, thrown away just by the thought of you.
And put back together just by the thought of you.
The thing is… I’m sure there will come that day in which you won’t be able to put me back together. And that’s gonna be not fun.
Ready for the last one on this list?
It’s gonna hurt.
3. The Heartbreak of YourLastText
I love you.”