The Long-Term Relationship I Never Asked for
Oh, it’s you, I say when I finally recognise Her. I was wondering whether you’ll come back.
How could I have not, you’re so fun to play with, She giggles, grabbing my hand, taking away my coffee, pulling me in for a hug. I’ve missed you so, so much.
She invites me into her arms and it’s so tempting, I feel frightened, but I can’t run away. I’ve known Her my whole life and now She’s back, stronger and more beautiful than ever.
I’m not leaving your side ever again, it’s a warning, not a promise, and I know she means it, I hear the coldness in her voice.
She’s exotic and beautiful, this one.
People have written hundred of hours of music and filled countless pages glamorising Her power, crying Her pain, exorcising Her away.
Smarter people than me, scientists and artists alike tried shutting her out, turning her off with pills and with drugs, and with sex, they tried chasing her away with work with champagne, cocaine, gasoline — but she never went away.
If She catches you, you’re hers.
I think you’re tired, she says, her seductive voice banging in my ears, inviting me to lay down. And suddenly, yes, I do feel tired, thank you very much.
And so I lay again by her side, faced away from a screen, listening to a marathon of *insert 90’s sitcom* and getting used to the idea.
She’s back.
Here, right by my side, her pungent smell intoxicating me, she’s touching my skin and caressing my body, listening to my music and changing my lyrics, her presence slithering into my mind and taking over my thoughts.
Soon, without missing a beat, just like all those other times, she begins to strip away my conscience, opens me up like a box of candies and takes away everything that makes me, me.
She starts with the taste of coffee, continues with my pride, and then hides away my favorite clothes.
She takes away my faith, my will-power, and my favorite food, now you could feed me mud and I’d just shrug it away.
She takes away my music and my joy, my confidence and my guilty pleasures, leaving me her box of torments to play with.
She takes away my movies and my books, my words, my songs, my boyfriend’s smile, my mom’s hugs, my friends and all the memories we made together, my sunset and my sunrise, my sea, my everything.
She takes it all, slowly, so I wouldn’t notice. And now it’s too late, she already started building Her Wall, while I helplessly stare at her from under the covers.
Plate by plate, her wall grows higher and I watch in horror how she’s counting the dubs, not leaving room for the door this time. Don’t you want to spend quality time together?, She innocently asks, while I can’t do anything else but nod. She’s so beautiful and powerful and I am so small and tired.
Don’t you dare, She warns me, poison escaping from under her stinky breath, when I try and get up, climb the wall, and reach for the sunshine.
Get back here, She hisses, pushing me down again, showing me why I shouldn’t even bother, crushing me with all the reasons, while building the wall higher and higher and higher.
You’re back for good? I ask, knowing it’s a big Yes, she’s never going to leave my side, she’s breathing me in, I’m breathing her out. Swimming in my veins, seeing through my eyes, changing my world so I can live inside hers.
How do I make you go away? I plead, while she smiles, she’s won again and she’s never going to let go, she’s just going to tuck me in and come closer, until my world is nothing but me and Her.
The Darkness has swallowed me whole and now everything is just Nothing and I don’t even have the energy to fight back, to think, to be.
The Darkness is here to stay. Forever.
All I can do is remember that, somewhere, somehow, the freshly blown lilac is bathing in the early-summer sun.
Even if right now I couldn’t feel the scent of my favorite flowers if you shoved a bouquet right under my nose.
